I don't have much to say.
My heart isn't there anymore; my heart hasn't been in much of anything to be honest.
I've been terribly sick. With a fever and whooping cough. Lately it seems like everything about me has become broken. But my tired body is healing. Yet again, it seems like. At night, when my eyes don't seem to close, I stare out at the frozen snow, and think of him.
But I push the thoughts from me. I must not think of any of it.
I struggle to forget, but each day I think of him less; I become stronger,
Yet it still haunts me.
And somedays I seem to bury myself in the memories, suffocating in the thoughts of what used to be;
what has now been lost.
Though I try not to.
I know he is never coming back. But I cannot help but hope.
And at times it is all so overwhelming, the sorrow of it all nearly takes my breath away.
But in time I accept it; though I still cannot believe any of it.
And for once I realize I'm actually going to survive all of this.
I will be okay.
As hard and as difficult as it is to grasp.
All I want is to forget.
But little things remind me of him, and the hurt slowly creeps back in. I wish he still loved me; I wish he still wanted me.
And that's the part that hurts the most.
Because I am clinging so tightly to something that isn't there, while he grabs hold of something that is.
Though it isn't me.
But I still cannot accept it.
I want to awake from this nightmare, pretend none of it ever happened.
I want to kiss his face and hands and neck and tell him over and over again how much he means to me; how much I love him.
I want to hand over the guilt and anger and sadness to someone else.
It feels like he has died.
And a part of me as died along with him.
There is not magic cure, no medicine to make all the pain go away.
But I am learning to move forward. Learning to walk again. Though it takes all of my strength, all of my fragile power.
And perhaps all the world has to offer is a smile, a hug, a kiss before bedtime.
And they will do; for now at least.
But nothing will ever fill this space inside of me, this darkness.
I am drowning in this change; it washes over me like tumbling waves.
I hope you all have been better, each new day. I hope you all are healing, feeling whole again. Thank you for reading A Gallery of Broken Hearts. I do not know how you all do it. You are so wonderful. I love you. I hope all is well.