Even when it seems impossible.
It keeps hurting, but still, as hard as it may be, I am healing.
And it's not so much that the pain has weakened over time, but rather that I have grown strong enough to bare it.
It get's easier with each day.
A truer smile, a laugh, a hug.
And I am learning to live without.
At times I find myself slipping, falling back into the ocean of pain that I nearly surrender to.
The current grasping me, taking my breath away, leaving my arms and legs tired and weak.
But I am content.
My body is exhausted.
So exhausted. And hurting.
And I almost give up.
Because I cannot find the strength in me to hold on anymore. To fight this unbeatable battle.
But what other choice do I have, than to be strong?
We are all vulnerable, so breakable.
But we will be okay.
We will survive the loss.
Without that simple knowledge, what else do we have?
What else can we have?
All I'd ever wanted was to forget.
But even when I thought I had, pieces had kept emerging, like bits of wood floating up to the surface that only hint at the shipwreck below...
But I still go on. No matter how impossible it seems. No matter how tired or angry or weak I seem to be.
And by the end of the day; the grief lessens.
It may not go away completely, but after a while it's not so overwhelming.
But the truth, ugly, emerges at last.
The thought of him...
It comes with a song or a word, or a single snowflake,
Becoming the closest thing I have to him.
I grasp it, clinging so tightly; afraid I'll forget the perfect shade of his eyes, or the smooth texture of his skin. Afraid it will all disappear with the sunshine.
I try not to remember it, though I slip at times. But I cannot bring myself to forget. I must not forget.
I have to remember him.
Everything else I can live without, so long as he lives inside of me.