Monday, May 2, 2011

I have entered highschool with a bad attitude, seven new notebooks, skirts I hate, and a never ending stomachache.
It looks like I'm leaving with the same mood too.
I see him in the hallways. He goes to Lone Peak.
He is my nightmare and I can't wake up.
He is walking with "______" He looks at me.
Good thing my mouth is stitched together or I'd throw up.

It's May now.
And school is almost finished.
30, 29, 28, 27, 26....
And after all this time, I finally get it.
I am never getting into an Ivy League School, never going to be a part of a cathedral choir. I am never going to be a musician, dancer, or cheerleader. Never going to be beautiful or smart.
I'm never going to get married, or find a life of my own.
I am just walking about my days with no idea who I am. Just waiting for a mack truck, or cancer to come along and finish the job.
No body wants me, I don't even want me.
But it's easier not to say anything.
Shut your trap.
Sit in your assigned seat.
No one really cares what you have to say.

I push my ragged mouth against the mirror. A thousand crushed bleeding lips pushing back at me.
But yet I'm still here.
Battered and bruised, but here.
So how can I find my way? Is there a map, a chain linked to my soul?
An ax I can take to my memories or fears?


  1. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
    dont be so hard on yourself.

    there is probably no map. if only there was, life would be so much easier to live. i think, though, that we somehow draw our own map to life as we live it. maybe thats how it is. maybe we only see the map after we reach our final destination, upon looking back.

    hang in there

  2. Lauren...
    I know you don't want to believe me, and you maybe don't ever even listen to me anymore, but please listen to this comment, if nothing else.
    You can be whatever you want to, dear. You have oh so much beautiful talent pouring out of your beautiful soul. We're all broken down and damaged at some point.
    Try to find the beauty in the world. Find it within you. It's all over, and you, my dear, are a walking symbol of beauty. Don't let stupid High School drama stand in the way of your life-long dreams. Don't let this temporary depression destroy your soul, and capture your heart. Find the strength to slowly heal yourself, and seek help from others. None of us can do it alone, and we're all here to support you.
    Please, please don't give up.

    You're too good for all of this, Lauren...

    I love you.


  3. oh, but you are Valmai... or Lauren... you are my friend. and in case you didn't know, you are loved. please believe me when i say this... i love you. you may not see it with your own eyes but you are beautiful, darling. Oh i just wish i can hug you right now and absorb the weight of pain you are carrying in your heart.
    please, please stay strong... if you do not know where you are going and what is coming your way, at least, hold on to whatever you have today. i know it's hard, and it will never be easy, but someday darling it will all end. i wanna be there with you when it end. i wanna be there with you when you finally say it is now okay, and when you finally show up that beautiful smile.

    i love you, dear. you deserve to be happy.
    *hugs* like really tight *hug*

  4. Please don't be sad. You are wonderful and so very talented. I love you and I want you to be happy, dear. If you ever need someone to listen, I'm here.


  5. You're one of the most talented writers I've met please don't give up. *hugs*

  6. Albert looked up o the sun, shining brightly in the sky and over to the silhouette of the moon, already present in the sky. He pondered the relationship between the two - how the moon can be present during the day and not signify night, and also how the sun is always present during the night due to it being shown through its reflection in the moon.
    He thought about how you can only see stars in the darkest night.
    And many other things.
    Then he thought about what someone once told him, when he asked how you are meant to know your way without a map:
    "look to the stars".
    So he stood up...
    ...and walked into the now setting sun.

    I want you, Lauren. I know that doesn't mean much coming from a perfect stranger but to me you mean the world. You are still here, so get up, walk into the sun. The world is your playground.


  7. Hello Valmai. Thank you so much for your blog comment. :)

    First of all I want to say 'wow!' I read some of your posts and your writing is quite compelling and honest. You have a real gift here. <3

    I also want to say that I can relate very much with your situation. I felt the same way about highschool, except I left feeling worse than when it started. I also had a 'him'; a 'nightmare', just as you said.

    Long after all was said and done, I really learned something: that there is such unbelievable happiness in the world and that we all deserve to experience it and that being smart or thin or beautiful or a cheerleader will not give us happiness.

    Undoubtedly there is pain and suffering in the world. Undoubtedly some of us feel it deeper than others, sometimes so deep that it literally seems impossible to breath. But undoubtedly, the world is beautiful, full of love and excitement. We just need to open our eyes to it and allow ourselves to experience it.

    You deserve to be happy. and happiness is real.
    Never doubt these things!

    Much love,