Thursday, July 29, 2010

It's Always Harder At Night...

Late at night, when all the world is asleep, I think of you. My senses numb, I travel into the past streets of memories both perfect and in pain. The visions of what used to be abrubtly conquer my mind, like a dream. My breath comes in gasps, and I feel the need to grab my torso just to hold myself in one piece. My eyes, though already dry as a bone, tear up and before I even give myself permisson to, water is running down my cheeks. The pictured image of you playing the piano is agonizing. I squeeze tighter praying for even the slightest relief. The song continues to play in my ears leaving me in a shocked daze, unable to move, my mind paralylized with the thought of you. And finally, I feel nothing. Just a never ending numbness. Time passes slowly, so slow I can feel each tick of the clock through my viens, but I had learned that this pattern would come and go without any warning or signal, and I had accepted that with no other options to choose from. Each darkened hour, I dreaded it's arrival, terrified of when the next "episode" would come. But, I was getting better. I could feel it. It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time however, but rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it.
Each night, when it felt like I was experiencing the full portion of pain, I struggled with the memories. I didn't struggle to forget, but it was the remembering that was always the hardest. I feared that soon I wouldn't be able to remember the precise color of his eyes, the touch of his warm hands, or the texture of his voice. I feared that I would forget what we did together, and why. That eventually I'd only have the remembrance of the happiness, and not what it was that made me happy in the first place. Still, it hurts to much to remember, but I cannot bring myself to forget. I can't forget. I must always remember why the pain was so great, why my heart is now battered and bruised. Without that knowledge, how will I ever justify the heart break? Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget. It's a hard line to walk.

Question: Is it possible to die from a broken heart?

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