Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I love you my head voice murmurs. But I know he can't hear me.
I imagine really telling you those silly little things sometimes.
In my imagination I talk to you, and it calms me.
Until reality kicks in. Then I find myself so weak I'm certain my strength will only allow me to climb into my bed and sob.
The days go by spinning. A relentless motion almost making you sick. I relive the same moments on automatic which makes me wonder if my life was written in a dialogue.
Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small one, valuable, but small. But, Do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave?
It's wierd, how time can change things you thought would always stay the same;
The green grass has been replaced with the remnants of what is nothing but a memory.
Remember when we used to sit there you with your shirt off and me in my dress? You used to tell me you weren't afraid to die. I don't think I ever loved you more than then.
Remember when you and I could walk for hours just the two of us. Me in your jacket that I'd secretly sniff while you weren't looking. We used to tell each other secrets, and get into each other's minds. The reasons for these things have all ran away now, but the feelings never did.
I've needed you lately. More than ever.
I find myself reaching for you, and yet you still won't pull me in.
My heart isn't there anymore
My heart hasn't been in much of anything, to be honest.
Just our fragile moments being played in my mind over and over again.
It's easier to deal when I'm not alone.
But being alone leaves me time to think.
What I want, what I need, what I can't live without.
You're still the first on every list.
You're on my mind.
Forever and almost always.

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