Sunday, July 18, 2010


I rubbed my upper arms attempting to warm myself. I was always cold. But something about being near him caused the familiar chill in my body to be even more profound than usual. Whether this was merely caused by the nervousness, or just an excuse to be close to him I hadn't found out yet.
We walked in silence for a minute. It had always seemed comfortable being together in silence like this, never having to fill each moment with unnecessary noise. That was one thing I quickly realized I loved about him. He allowed me to be myself, and I was grateful for that. The sound of gravel crunching beneath our feet and our steady breathing was like a harmony to me. Something I would later on, play over and over again inside of my head.
"I can't wait to get my license!" He said excitedly.
"Oh, I know. It's going to be great. We can go ride in your car and blast music, or something!"
This, was something I always looked forward to. There was something about the right melody and the quiet hum of the car's engine that seemed peaceful to me. I was able to relax and forget about all of my worries as if they'd been left in the garage back at home. Just the thought of sharing such pleasure with him made me excited, and hopeful. He gave one hard nod and looked straight ahead.
Him and I had never been the kind of couple to talk about the future, about where our relationship was going. We had learned to avoid talking about anything that was happening more than a few weeks away, and this made some of our most casual conversations as silted and awkward as they were when we were first getting to know each other.
"When is your birthday again?" I asked.
"May 2nd." He said proudly.
"Oh! Well I'm going to have to get you something!" I said, hoping to lighten the conversation.
"That's three months away."
I felt another chill run down my spine and suddenly I felt like I needed to throw up. I had interpreted a small argument on whether the gift was going to cost money or not. On whether it would be small or large, in a bag or wrapped, but the way he'd said three months away was like a judge issuing a prison sentence, and it scared me. I felt like I could run and hide at that moment, silently punishing myself for even considering the idea that he'd even want me that long. I still hadn't fully accepted the fact that he wanted me at all.
What did he mean by this? That I wasn't supposed to be thinking about gifts such a long ways a way because perhaps I may buy one thing and later change my mind? Or had he already predicted we wouldn't be together anymore by that time? Questions filled my mind making conversation between us impossible. I wondered to myself what he'd meant by this, making a hypothesis on one theory to another and then back to the first again. Was he hoping for it to be over, or was he simply setting himself up for disappointment just in case?
My stomach lurched. An appetizer before the full portion of heartache I had a feeling was going to be served at some point soon.
April 8th 2010:
Bon Appetit


  1. Well that was extremely gorgeous.. Honestly. I just did your jump.. That's how amazing it was. :)

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